Making it

It’s pretty easy to crop out the mess or edit the words to spin the story into a fairytale, especially on social media. When you don’t have time for people to come over, the chances are low that anyone will know what it’s really like inside your house, or even your life. My life is so busy right now that I’d guess very few people actually know what’s going on. Almost every day I’m battling a new “fire” at work and I usually haven’t fully fixed the last one yet. It’s emotionally and physically draining. One day a few weeks ago, I sat outside in the quiet and just watched the sky. The fighting and crying inside was shut out and I wasn’t responsible for anything for those blissful 10 minutes. After putting in 30 something hours in three days, I was done and the week was only half over. The days are long and the years are short. I get that. When you feel like you’re in an awful version of Groundhog’s Day, it’s not very reassuring. It’s super hard without an end in sight.

It’s hard to say the same things to your children day-after-day when you don’t feel like they get it. Constantly teaching them not to fight, to share things, to not yell, and to use words when they get mad. It’s exhausting. I’m sure it’s exhausting to be inside a 2-year-old body also, but it doesn’t look like he’s exhausted. It looks like he has endless energy. It looks like he’s a runner when we’re in public places, has endless lung capacity, only has one volume {LOUD!}, and does everything we don’t want him to do. I look at my newly turned 5-year-old and see that it does go fast, but then I wonder how the years will go the second time around. Because this time we’re dealing with all kinds of things that we didn’t have to “handle” the first time. And for the sake of sleep, please stop waking up so early! Not only does he need more sleep, but so do the rest of us.

If you ask me how it’s going and my response is anything but “good,” know that I’m surviving by taking it one day at a time. They may not be glorious days, but I’m making it through the best way I can. Some days that means trying to yell over them so they will listen and other days that means running away to the deck for some quiet. Oh yeah, and some days it means coffee.

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Is busy really better?

I seem to be having the same conversation over-and-over again. In my own head I’ve been whining and complaining because I’m so busy. It turns out that I’m not the only one experiencing this. I thought I needed to do something to change my track and find more happiness. After talking with a couple of people it seems that maybe society is causing this new trend. That doesn’t mean I come up with any answers, but I find it oddly reassuring that I’m not in it alone. This constant battle of not getting things done, of always being behind, of being exhausted.

When I’m at work I think about all the things that need to be done at home…meals, cleaning, laundry, and activities with the boys. When I’m at home I’m exhausted and don’t have the energy to do anything. I think about all the things I want to do…creative design, writing, and projects / gifts for friends. Before I go to bed or when I wake up, I think about the things I need to do at work but then when I get there I get pulled in various directions that prevent me from getting them done. It’s a vicious cycle that keeps me feeling behind and if I’m being honest, unhappy.

I’ve tried different approaches. Some times I spend my evenings doing the things that make me happy and other times I’m a blob on the couch and do nothing. Depending on the day, sometimes the active night makes me happy and other times the lazy evening does. Although something may make me happy during the time, it doesn’t prevent me from feeling guilty later. If I don’t do anything, I feel guilty that my house is a mess or that I didn’t get any more work done on a creative project. If I stay up late working on something, I don’t feel like I’m taking good care of myself and promise that I’ll get more sleep the next night.

My night-time hours feel so precious and short that it’s hard to figure out the best way to use them. I suppose I’m in a phase of life that prevents me from being 100% happy with all of my decisions. I’m being pulled in so many different directions and feel like I’m at a cross-roads of trying to figure out what my life should be. I surely don’t have any answers so I’m doing the best I can to stay afloat. Some days that’s really easy and other days I wonder when the ride will stop!

How do you deal with the hectic life? Do you get guilt over your decisions?