Feeling the raw emotion

When I wrote that post about finding your tribe, I didn’t fully realize how much I was going to need them. I don’t normally need people. I’m usually pretty self-sufficient and strong. I know strong sounds like a weird reflection of myself, but I don’t usually doubt myself or need others to reassure me. I love helping other people and I’ll usually drop everything to be there for someone. Yet, I don’t usually need that in return. 

To say I’ve had a lot going on in the past few months would be a gross understatement. I’ve spent most of that time telling myself that I’m fine and can handle everything. I’ve been stretched thin more times than I can count. Overworked until I’ve reached my breaking point. And then I’ve kept going. Honestly, I have no idea how. It’s always a new day with new responsibilities and a different schedule. So push through is what I’ve done. One day after another. It’s a lot like biking. Keep peddling.

I’m not proud of my parenting over the past few months. My patience is basically non-existent. I can’t figure out how to get it back. I’ve used up all my energy and brain space getting myself to the evening and forget how to parent two small boys who have a lot of energy. So I hope that each day they give me a new chance to be a little better and yell a little less. I try to build up a little more patience and remind myself that fighting and not listening is normal. 

Summer is crazy around here. I know it’ll get worse when the boys have more activities, but it’s enough to have us wishing for a few quiet days. If you’re not careful, marriage can be a lot of passing in the kitchen and text messages. Bless this husband of mine for being ok with all the nights I can’t “deal.” For understanding that I’m overwhelmed. For stepping up and doing things he normally doesn’t do. I know he hasn’t liked it and it’s been a strain on him too, but in a sense I’ve been on survival mode. Some nights he sends me away. Other nights he takes care of me. And there are a whole lot of other nights where we co-exist in a messy house with loud boys. 

One of my best coping mechanisms is sleep. Or laying in bed. I’ve been alternating between going to bed at 8:30 or going out with my friends. Which means going to bed waaaayyyy to late. It’s not a healthy choice to stay out so late. But guess what? When I go out with my friends, there are no expectations. We chat about life but I don’t need to do anything for them. I can talk through a struggle or complain about one thing, but it doesn’t make everything fall. I can forget all the things that are piled up on me and I can just be me. I know it’s not good to ignore the stress in your life, but it’s something I’m really good at. Pretend it isn’t there and it’ll eventually get better. Keep pushing through. 

I’ve reached the end of that line. It’s time for me to start processing my feelings and dealing with my emotions. Some day I’ll put together the right words to thank my friends. Our nights out haven’t been about me and most nights it was actually about someone else needing me, but that’s the irony in pretending that you’re ok. I now realize it was just as much for me as it was for them. And I know that all of the past few months have happened to each of us because we were the right people for each other. I needed a couple of close friends who could help carry me. Even on the days it looked like I was carrying them, it was still a little bit about me. 

They were distracting me and giving me a purpose. Giving me something to focus on that wasn’t a responsibility but was simply opening up my heart to help a dear friend. That’s the easy stuff. That’s the stuff I can do in my sleep. You need me? I’M IN! If I’m starting to crumble…well, I’m not good at that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be alone, I want full-time distractions. I don’t want to feel. I want fun, uplifting distractions. Build up my confidence or compliment me. Ask me to go do something but don’t make me talk about real life. Keep it light and I’ll have the time of my life. And please, don’t ask me how I am. If I’m on the edge, that pushes me over. I can’t handle the compassion and concern. It opens up all my feelings and eventually you leave but I still have to deal with them. 

By this time, it’s pretty obvious that I do really good at ignoring, pretending, and distracting myself from myself. Until I reach my breaking point and then I break down. It doesn’t have to be something big that does me in. It can be a little thing. A small disappointment or small thing that didn’t go as planned. It only takes that one thing to make it all fall down. I had one of those moments last week. Well, it was longer than a minute. It was raw and hard and I am so grateful to have one of my best friends by my side. I didn’t solve anything that night. And it took me a good day to start to feel better. 

Maybe it was the really good cry, maybe I pushed the feelings aside again, or maybe it was the reminder that I’m the strongest person she knows and I’ll be fine. Either way, I’m ok. I’m kind of dealing. I recognize some of the hard stuff and feel it. I get close to not being ok but then pull myself out of it. So far. I’m not done yet. Honestly, I’m afraid I’m not even close to being done before I really get through them all and can feel safe in my head again. 

Recently, someone commented on how I can put myself out there on this blog. Writing is one of my passions. It’s not easy to write the hard stuff, especially when this feels so raw. I’m basically opening up my heart in this post. I’m admitting to not being able to handle everything. Admitting to not being as strong as everyone thinks I am. That’s really hard. But I’m also hoping that my words can help me deal. I figure out my thoughts through my writing and I realized a few things from this post. I feel confident in saying, I’m fine. 

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Liebster Award

I’ve been trying to find the time and energy to start writing again. I’m a bit {kind of lot} overwhelmed with life right now so it’s been a little difficult. I logged in today to work on something I started a couple of weeks ago. To my surprise, I had a comment from Kelsi @ babiesfirstyear. She nominated me for the Liebster Award. I didn’t have any idea what it was, so I did a little research {IE, Google looking}. Thanks so much Kelsi for thinking of me and nominating me for this award!

From what I see, this award is passed around the blogging community to people with fewer than 200 followers as a way to tell others about the blogs you enjoy reading. It’s a way to get to know one another. So thank you, Kelsi! The rules are to post 11 facts about you and answer 11 questions that have been given. Then, of course, nominate others.

11 Facts About Me:

  • I hate winter but live in the Midwest.
  • Not surprisingly, I love summer. I could sit out in the sun and sweat for hours.
  • Most of my life I was shy, but I ended up in a leadership position managing people.
  • I have two energetic boys – 4 1/2 and 2.
  • I’m not a morning person.
  • I drive a minivan and am still not a minivan “person.”
  • We follow the Dave Ramsey way of life. We pay in cash and save our money if we want something.
  • We have a Beagle who is cute, cuddly, and annoying because he barks so much.
  • I’ve been on the Board of Directors for my local hospice home – Iowa River Hospice – for four years.
  • I’m the VP of the Board this year.
  • I’m serving as co-chair for a local benefit for the hospice home and American Cancer Society.

My 11 Questions to Answer:

1) “Kids say the darnest things.”  What is something your child has said recently that made you laugh. Maximus, age 4. “Mommy, how old is grandpa? Oh! Mommy, you and grandpa are the same age!”

2) What is your favorite vacation spot? Vacation isn’t really a thing in our house. However, I really did love our honeymoon to Cancun. My idea of a vacation is the sun and a book.

3) What object is closest to you on your right?  Could you use it to defend yourself? A hightop chair. Yup, could definitely use it to defend myself. It’s gotten my toes a few times and I can confirm that it’s a useful weapon.

4) If you had an hour to do anything you wanted, what would you do? I would take a nap.

5) What is your favorite blog post you have written?  Leave a link! Out of my current year, I pick one about struggling mama’s. I see you over there with your tired eyes and noisy toddler.

6) If you could have someone else do one household chore what would it be? Pick up the house every night – the toys and papers and SOCKS.

7) Would you rather live on a beach or in a city? Retiring {next week} to a beach would be Am-a-zing!

8) Where do all the socks go? Every room in the house. Or, at daycare, the register.

9) Do you enjoy reading books or watching movies more? Reading.

10) Be honest, when reading to your children, do you skip words? 99.8% of the time I read every word. There is only one or two books in the house that I despise.

11) How do you find time to blog? Since Maximus stopped going into his room for quiet time, I don’t.


I nominate:

Amanda @ Delightfully Balanced
Sara @ Vanneste Family Blog
Kara @ The Kinser Life
Megan @ The Ratnam Residence


 

Your 11 Questions to Answer:

  1. Why did you start blogging?
  2. What’s your nighttime routine?
  3. If you just answered what you do with children at bedtime, what’s YOUR nighttime routine?
  4. What’s your favorite season? Why?
  5. If you had a week off and unlimited funds, where would you go?
  6. What’s the last thing you did for yourself?
  7. What’s your favorite book?
  8. What advice would you give 21-year-old you?
  9. What’s your favorite recipe?
  10. Where do you want to be in 10 years?
  11. How do you find time to blog?

Leave your link in my comments so we can all read your answers!