To me, writing is a chance to start fresh. To fill up the lines (or spaces) of a blank sheet of paper. It’s refreshing and therapeutic. Where do I even start after such a long break? So many ideas and thoughts are floating around in my head, almost constantly. From to-do lists to things I want to tell people to chores I want to do at home. It’s a bit of a mess in my brain lately. So much that I haven’t had the energy to turn on my personal computer, yet I spend 5-10 hours a week working at night. Somehow I muster the energy to veg out and try to make a dent in my emails. I’m averaging an inbox of 200 emails and it’s driving me crazy. I think I’m going on month two or three of this and I can’t break free of it. The burden it puts on my shoulders is weird. It’s a constant looming cloud. When I don’t have the energy to work at night, it brings me guilt. Guilt is a weird thing. It can cripple you. It can put a lump in your stomach that you can’t quite identify. It’s refreshing to turn on my personal computer and do something for me. Not me the employee, or me the boss, or me the mom, or me the wife, or me the homeowner, or me the volunteer. It’s all about ME. It’s my own thoughts and my own goals. It’s my own guidelines and my own time. It’s therapeutic.
A lot has happened over the past month. I survived seven (or was it nine?) days of solo parenting while Bryan was in China. I suppose he’d also say he survived seven (or was it nine?) days of remote areas in China. Our experiences may have been similar, except my food was edible. Going into that week, I decided that I was going to be just fine. I was going to figure out a good work-life balance and it was going to be fine. And it was, until day seven (it was a nine day trip!). On day seven, the boys could not handle another minute. All the tears and all the tantrums happened. Life was essentially over for them both. It was a little rough, but reinforcements came in and distractions from my parent’s helped us get through the next few days. That was also the day I realized that I had put in 50 hours of work while solo parenting. (No one ever said I made it easy for myself.) Day seven was also the day that Quinten started called me “daddy” full-time.
A day after Bryan came home, my grandma passed away. Timing is everything. Bryan came home early Sunday morning. That meant he was here when I needed him. And I did. That poor guy had his nights and days mixed up and was driving me all over the place. To add to the chaos, I left for the Philippines the morning after my grandma’s funeral. I was only gone for five days and then I came home and had a charity event to get ready for. I told myself I would spend my flights wrapping up my charity event actions. Of course I didn’t. So I had to do them after I got home and it was a bit of a rush to get them done. (Again, no one ever said I made it easy for myself.)
So, it’s safe to say that I’ve had a hard month or so. It feels like every aspect of my life is difficult right now. I’m trying to find joy in the little things. A visit with my boys to see my grandma the week before she fell and broke her hip. A really good work trip where I learned a lot and got a lot of great ideas. Family, friends, and co-workers who have sent me messages or cards or hugs. And a warm day. Most days it feels overwhelming to be in my head, but I know it’ll all even out and get easier.