I recently wrote about friendship pains. It was hard for me to put into words what had been floating around my head for so long. It was even harder to hit ‘publish.’ It’s hard to put yourself out there, especially on the Internet. I may be the only one, but I find that when it comes to hard stuff I internalize it for a long time and putting them into audible words seems to make it so much worse. I’m not sure why I can accept that it floats around in my head causing me angst for months, but then when given the opportunity I can’t speak the words. Even to my husband.
This past weekend I was in a situation where I could have struck up a conversation with someone who used to be close to me. I basically froze. I was caught up in the moment of pulling a toddler out of a stroller and not flashing the world my backside. {Husbands, don’t wait until you get out of the car in a public situation to say, “hey, make sure you cover up. Those leggings are see through if you bend over. Awesome!} It was a deer in the headlights feeling. I managed to get out, “hey, name!” And then it was 10 seconds of awkward eyes darting all over. Her starting to push a stroller forward, me looking down at my toddler, her mom rubbing my belly, and then she was gone.
It was such a quick meeting that Bryan didn’t even know it happened. And he was right next to me. He also knew this girl from high school. It wasn’t until later that afternoon that I brought up that I was feeling guilty for not engaging in a conversation. He had no idea. {Seriously, men!} He brushed it off quickly but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I hadn’t ever realized that I was missing that friendship and I’m still not sure if that’s exactly it. I tried explaining it to him but he couldn’t relate. All of my friendships have ended for a reason. Only the things from the past couple of years linger in my head. If you go back more than a couple, I couldn’t tell you why we our friendships ended. I can only tell you that it mattered at the time. In this situation, I feel weird because I had just spent a few hours with her mom earlier in the week. Whenever I see her we always chat about life. So, I basically have more of a friendship with her mom than her? Weird.
As an adult, with a family, it’s hard to look back at your teenage years and think that girl had the slightest clue about life. Bryan thinks most of my earlier friendships ended because of our relationship. Or relationships with boys in general. Boys rarely come from the same circle of friends. Mine definitely didn’t. As any love-struck teenager, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. Now life is different. {Heh, that sounded like I don’t want to be around him, huh?} I’m more reasonable about expectations. A best friend as an adult is much different from a best friend while growing up. Growing up, your best friend takes on a lot of qualities of a significant other. As an adult, a best friend is someone who you can rely on. Someone to be happy and sad with. Someone who you don’t have to see regularly or talk to daily.
I think I’m feeling like there’s no reason that I couldn’t be friends with these people who were so important to my adolescence. After all, they were a big part of making me who I am today. I think. Why can’t they be my friends now? Maybe we don’t have anything in common anymore, but maybe we do.
How do you make the first step when someone isn’t on Facebook? 🙂
I hear ya. friends have come and gone.. and more have gone since I’ve gotten caught up in marriage, a house, a kid, career.. etc. As for making new friends? I’m not one to spark a conversation in the park or to a passing mommy with a stroller… but I do make an effort when someone comes along that has similar values and morals. Like a coworkers wife who offers to babysit for FREE…just because she’s nice like that. THOSE are the good friends. The old high school friends that don’t make an effort to communicate, even though I do… those ones aren’t really friends anymore and that’s OK for me.
I’m not really even in a communicating with them position. I think that’s where most of my struggles come from. That “what if.” I spend so much time with them growing up and have no clue what their lives are like now.