Mourning the loss of a friendship 10 years later

I recently read a post by Joanna about friendships. It hit home for me. It was something that had been sitting in the back of my head for months. It has been creeping up every once in a while and then floating to the back again when life gets crazy.

It’s hard to put words to feelings when it comes to friendships. I have a lot of friends. I have some really close friends who are amazing and very supportive and there when I need them. I struggle with even writing these words because I’m not lacking or alone. Rather, I have this nagging feeling that something is missing. It’s not a replacement, it’s just another addition. I think about how my life started out. How I thought my high school completely dictated how my life would be laid out. And then it was completely not how I thought it would be. I met some amazing people in college {and since starting my career} and don’t have regrets about my life, but years later I just wonder. Looking back I think that I could still be in the place I am, but just with some additional friends that stayed constant along the way.

A leap of rekindling is scary to me. I’m still that unsure high school girl who liked to have fun, but was never the leader or strong spoken one of the group. When it comes to my feelings and my heart, I’m soft-spoken and guard it as best I can. Instead I think about the what ifs. I stay a healthy distance away and keep an extremely casual friendship with this person. It’s not even a friendship via email or text messaging. In this digital age, this friendship is at the bare minimum. And it just doesn’t feel like enough.

While Joanna had the courage to reach out to her friend and call her out by name, I don’t think I can be that brave. Instead, I can tell you that my heart still has a place left for this friend of mine. This one who I held so dearly at one time. This friend who was my one in times of high school girl growing. This one who I grew apart from for some reason that can only be described as high school girl drama. And for the life of me I can’t even list one reason. That’s how unimportant it was. I’m afraid that I held a real good grudge for a long time. So long that I forgot why. Now I have nothing but love and hope that my friend has the best life. We still have so much in common, I can see it on Facebook. That only makes me wonder, why aren’t we close? Why did we drift apart? Could we be close again?

I suppose I’d have to take that leap in order to find out the answers. At this point I’m just not ready to do that. It’s too scary. I’m too scared of the rejection that I could get, because maybe she’s not in the same place. Maybe she doesn’t have room for any more friends. Maybe my chances ended long ago in the halls of that high school. Maybe those scary thoughts are completely off, but that’s what holds me back.