When you know you’re leaving, you think about things differently. Your mind processes activities differently. You have time to weigh the important against the not so important.
I left yesterday. I left for the longest stretch of time since Maximus was born. I left for three nights and four days. I left for what feels like an eternity. Three bedtimes away from Maximus. Three nights of nursing. Three nights of snuggling. Three dinners. And at least one bath. Three mornings of snuggles and hugs.
It’s hard to leave your baby. Very hard.
To savior my last day at home, I spent the afternoon with my little guy. I picked him up early and gave him my undivided attention. Every time I thought about picking up my phone to check Facebook or thought about Tweeting something, I refocused. I spent all of my time loving and playing with Maximus. When you know you’re leaving, you do things differently. You don’t take for granted. You give all you have. I picked up my phone to document our afternoon. Taking pictures and shooting videos so I could look back (and show off) while I was gone.
I spent his nap time doing what I needed to do for me. I spent his downtime being selfish so I could give him my undivided attention again when he woke up. I prioritized my free-time so I could benefit from his nap. I finished packing and put my stuff by the door. Then I spent a little me time by rejuvenating in the sunshine (my happy place).
Then, I sat around twiddling my thumbs (also known as eating, a lot) waiting for Maximus to wake up. I even Tweeted about waking him up just so I could see him. In the end, Wrigley woke him up by barking in the room next to his. I went in and scooped up a snuggly baby. I spent the next thirty minutes just holding him. He snuggled and hugged me while I danced and swayed with the music. It was like he knew mommy was leaving. We were in the moment. Nothing else mattered. Time was standing still. We just loved each other.
It was at that moment that I felt regret. I felt guilt for not having this feeling every day or every moment I’m with him. I wished that I wasn’t selfish. I wished I didn’t try to multi-task and take care of a baby and a house at the same time. I vowed to have more of these moments. I vowed to always put my baby first, even on those days where I need to clean the house or do laundry.
I’m on the road now (literally) and I miss him. I miss my snuggly little guy. I miss his curved lips as his big blue eyes learn as much as possible. I miss the concentration of his chubby face. I miss his shrieks of excitement and joy. I miss his quick hands and legs as he crawls across the room. I miss his cute little pointer finger as he points at something just to hear what it is. I miss Maximus and can’t wait to get home because I know I won’t take him for granted. I know I will love him with everything of my being, because he is my sunshine.
Leaving…..means that you get to come home.