The dark of night

I’ve spent a lot of time awake in the dark of night when the house is quiet and fast asleep. Sometimes I sit in my recliner and nurse Maximus while I ponder my life. Other times I stare blankly into the darkness. But almost always I reflect upon something before my brain turns over to sleep. Sometimes I lay awake wishing I could turn everything off because I either don’t want to think about it or the next feeding will be too soon. Before he was born, 95% of the time the subject was work related. Now that I’m on maternity leave, it’s almost never the subject. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the personal aspect of my life.

Last night, as I was struggling with some things, I realized that I have a hard time expressing myself when something is wrong. I internalize and try to compartmentalize my issues. I try to ignore my thoughts for as long as possible, until one day it takes over. All of a sudden I spend almost every waking moment analyzing everything to a ‘T’. Even when I make it to this spot, I keep it in. I let the feelings wash over me. My husband is amazing and tries to help. But, he’ll be the first to tell you that my automatic response is “nothings wrong.” Even if I’m on the verge of tears or a breakdown, “nothing” is wrong. It’s not that I don’t have the words to explain; after all, I’ve been going over it non-stop in my head. Rather, I don’t want to bring my issue out into the open. Part of my brain tells me that my issue isn’t worth verbal words. Another part says that once it’s out there it can’t go back.

I’ve always tried to be the glass half full girl and when I’m struggling with something I try to stay that way. It’s almost as if I don’t want to let my guard down and show my weakness. But, why would that be the case with my husband? I find that if I do talk to him about what’s bothering me, I only talk to him about it a little. I never let on about how much it is consuming my brain. I guess I don’t want to let on that I’m not as tough as I seem. I don’t want to show that things can hurt me, that I can become insecure, or that life isn’t all around awesome. Basically, I don’t like showing people that I’m human!

I thought writing this out would make me feel better about a certain aspect of my life. But, it’s provided no relief and I still find myself feeling down about a few things. The logical part of my brain keeps telling me to take it slow and just let it pass. The illogical part of my brain conjures up ridiculous situations and thinks the worst. Hopefully the logical part wins out in the deep dark of night.

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